Updates =)

I've been doing a lot of abstract or poems based posts. I've been meaning to update this and check up on everyone's blogs and such. So I'm doing that now.

I finished off the Winter semester a lot better than I thought I would. I honestly didn't check my grades until the day before yesterday, because I really didn't wanna see them. But it wasn't that bad at all, two B's and an A. Although, I believe I earned an A in Kramers' Creative Writing class, I've chosen to just move on instead and focus on the semester at hand.

The one thing that has been bugging me is that my friend Kat moved back to Florida. And my best friend of 20 years is moving to Oklahoma. It seems like everyone is moving away these days! I've been getting a little down about it so I thought it would be a sweet ass idea to get together with my peoples sometime soon and party it up a bit. Let's hope that's soon! I wish I had my own place!

Anyhow, Blazer Show is on hold a little bit. Jay has been super occupied and busy and Gee has been too! So have I really, but I've been playing around with the website in Dreamweaver and editing some things in the script. I'm gonna be sending the script out to team members interested asap, as it's pretty much ready to go. I love Blazer Show. I think about it, and even still I get a good feeling in the put of my gut about it.

I got my tax return check today. Boy was that exactly what I needed. I'm going to try and link up with friends asap and do that money right! Ok well, I posted cause I promised myself I would in the Brotherhood on fb. I'm gonna get back to my bong and checking out everyone's journals. Miss you all!

Jess

Surprises

I am on a beach.
It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
There is no one there, but me.

The water was a shade of blue I never knew existed.
And the sand was fine to the touch of my toes, and white.
The light was bright, and airy, illuminating the beach
with dream-like light from some distant memory.

My skin was golden.
And mist from nearby waterfalls beaded my oiled skin.
My hair was long, and free.
Gently floating around the frame of my face in the soft breeze
that seemed to come from just the right direction.

My soul was at peace.
My mind, at ease.
As I laid out in the sand, with a drink in one hand.
Smile, ear to ear.

And then something changed, shifted.
It was subtle but noticeable.
In the distance over the water, I struggled to see something.
The ocean rose suddenly on the horizon.

At first it was fascinating
But soon struck a chord within me.
Within moments, I was scared.
In a sudden flash of horror and acceptance,

the ocean swallowed me whole.

"Ban the Father G"

Spherical presence.
Crisp and luminous.
Adjacent yet adherent,
Beneath velvet wisps atop dark satin sky.

Infinite seamless curtain, unfathomable time.
Speeding as light.
Disguised in black.
Stretching for additional existence.

Dense clusters powering radiance make up
cosmic archipelagoes of spiraling islands.
Celestial items scattering about a
Universal sea.

After the Bang.


_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
By the way, the title of the poem "Ban the Father G" is an anagram for "After the Bang." It was cool cause the title kinda means "Band the Father G" which ironically signifies my passion for people to appreciate science just as they do the concept of a God. After the bang...the big bang, you get the point.

Japan, Earthquake

What's going on with Japan sucks.
It's a shame too because Japan holds it down. A lot of people are blaming them for what happened, and I think that's bullshit. All power plants cover up incidences, because if every plan everywhere in the world mentioned an incident every single time something went wrong, the world would always be in mass hysteria. They did everything by the books. They did everything right. If a disaster like that were to happen in N.Y.C. it wouldn't have gone half as smoothly as it did in Japan. I hope peace can be restored there soon. Those people have been through enough.

I oddly recall the morning of the earthquake and tsunami. I was sleeping over Jay and Kat's to easily access school on a friday, and for 4 hours I battled the most intense migraine headache I've had in years. It felt like my head was splitting open over and over again. Like someone was inside my head with a hammer, making cracks in my skull. I was sweating, and nauseous. It was horrible. It took me forever to battle off the headache, even with medicine.
Unaware of the news, I didn't find out until around 7 or so that night about the earthquake.
It's the weirdest thing. With the twelve hour approximate difference from JST and EST, my headache began within moments of the quake. Ending about an hour after the tsunami. I think that's weird. And I'm not implying anything by that observation, mind you....I'm just saying.

Perhaps all of our bodies let us know when the earth below our feet is acting funny. Perhaps that's why my head felt like it was falling apart. It's just odd.

I can only send out positive vibes and thoughts to Japan and its people. Hopefully they will be able to start healing soon.

Lonesome

I don't know what's been going on with me the past few days.

It's nothing particularly terrible. It's not necessarily negative.

Despite the multitude of interactions in my life, I cannot help but feel a sense of loneliness. Unlike attention seekers, I don't really like feeling this way. I feel like something completely obvious is missing in my life and I just can't figure out what it is. Maybe I'm not meant to. Such a shame if a feeling like this were to last long. It feels like that adolescent loneliness, when I was a child. I'd come home from that hell called high school and be all alone. I wonder what it's like to have brothers and sisters. Or better yet a mom or a dad. Or anyone, really. Such a concept is beyond foreign to me. I wonder why I was one of the unlucky ones. Minus the self-pity, I do ponder why I got the shit end of the stick sometimes.
It's weird not really having any family that I share a connectivity with. My mom's been gone 12 years now. It seems like just yesterday I could feel the wind in my hair driving in her 4-runner on a hot summer night, ordering pizza and laughing.

I try not to spend too much time missing the dead.
I've learned enough in my youth about dying...and death...and that inconceivable concept of "Never see them again" that others haven't had to face yet. What would missing them do? Would it bring them back? No. It's a sad reality that I've come to terms with. But I guess it would be nice to just have someone.

I guess it's almost fucked up to be talking like this, with a boyfriend of 8 years snoring besides me. I don't know. Maybe I need more love in my life or something. More things to smile about outside of friends. What's missing?

Like usual, I'll ignore that sunken empty feeling in the pit of my gut, swallow that lump in my throat, and forget about it. No use in such thoughts. They're a waste of space, really.

Blazer Show is awesome. It's been one of the few things making me want to wake up in the morning.
Everyday I visualize when it's all said and done. I see after parties, and the studio where I'll work. I'd drive a nice car and always have my nails done. Feels good to think of nice things. To think of having good things. Lot's of money. I'd get to work with my best friends all the time and make amazing shit being creative in my own way. Someday :) I feel it...

Finals are through now other than the tests next week. I feel like shit about this quarter because I had 2 professors totally confused about shit. I hate that. I hope I get A's anyway.

This weekend I'll probably be linking up with Gee via skype, talking about the show. Last Sunday, Elaine and Dmitry were awesome enough to let me tag along to visit Gee. I'm not gonna lie, there was something so distant and calming about where he lives. You can see a lot more stars there and joy rides are great. We drove for what seemed to be almost an hour. Noel, Elaine, Dmitry in the back, me shot gunnin' with my homie Gee. Man...where were these amazing people during my childhood? The memories we all would have made. Well, we've got plenty of time for more memories to come.

I look forward to spring break. The temperature is starting to break, and all is warming up. The moon is going to be particularly close to Earth tomorrow night, full too. Can't wait. It's slowly turning into blunt and back deck weather. Gonna be rad.

Well, I've spilled out enough for one night. I feel a little better. I guess all of us have spurts of loneliness once in a while. It's all the amazing memories and people in my life that really keep me going.

Good night all.
Happy Spring.

Luck be a Lady....

Hello people. Blog. Aliens. Whoever feels the need to read this text that is this black hole of a blog.
heh heh...nice.

I haven't blogged in forever. It's like my fucking head fell off or something.
Anyway. Today was so super retarded awesome. I woke up to a $1541.00 check in the mail. I guess good grades and not dropping classes has paid off, literally.

I can finally get a haircut, a tanning membership, a new state license (Totally been expired for like 2 months) and even stock up on some green. It's a good thing.

The show is moving along. It's been a little interrupted with finals approaching and my efforts in my classes and Function Club. But I am SO not worried. I have 12 people on the Blazer Show mailing list, and I'll be meeting with Gee soon to talk a few details and catch up. Always look forward to those mini-sessions of awesome with my brother from another mother.

I gotta kick that into gear though and finish it up, so I can mail out the shot lists for the first episode, which we already devised.

I need a job. And I need to lose weight. Those have been my neglected, or rather, non-fruitful endeavors.

Relationships good. Got a few bucks. Summer's right around the corner. A's in classes. And Blazer Show is in progress nicely.

It's gonna be okay. I'll promise to post more, no doubt.

Take it easy friends!

thejess.

Blazer Show. Blazer Show. Blazer Show.

I am so down. And depressed. I'm in good spirits, but inside, I feel terrible.
I WANT GOOD THINGS.
And it seems that just when I'm ready to work for them, all opportunities are gone.

This is why it's all about Blazer Show. This is like, the ONE thing I'm putting all of my heart and soul into. I'm working hard at it, so that maybe one day, I'll be able to honestly enjoy the fruits of my labor and passion for it.

I have reached a level of severity about the show. Strict severity. I've talked about it for years, long enough. Now it's time for tangible results. I want the first season printed and bound by summer. I can SMELL the fresh ink on the paper in my mind. The warmth of the paper as it's right out of the printer. Blazer Show. In my hands. Right in front of me. Ready to submit. Fuck everything and everyone else who's got a problem with my quest. They can suck my balls. If I never make it anywhere with this show, I will fucking DIE trying. And I will do anything to get what I want.

I've started to become possessive about my work on the show. I feel like it's my baby, and I'm responsible for it being born into life. Which I feel it is. It's something always on my mind, right in the foreground, waiting for a check to be drawn next to it. "Complete." When that check mark is there, I'll be satisfied. And then let's hope it will be "on to the next one."

I'm beginning to recruit for animation and art design. In desperate need of an art director. I've finally asked Noel to lend more than his voice to the show, and possibly begin environment doodles and sketches for the first episode. Jay and I reviewed several animated series' and screen shot still frames of conceptual basics. And, I think the look is going in the right direction. Let's hope the artists can and enjoy bringing it to the screen.

I can't wait to finally have an official "TEAM" of peeps down for aiming for success, like myself. I'm thinking I'm going to need about 3 animators for the endeavor. One, of which I'd need for lead art direction. If I have to, I'll post flyers at school. Whatever the hell it takes.

Other than Blazer Show and my obsession with it, my life is balls. I still have no job. No money. My boyfriend has no job. No money. And the only other good thing, is my grades. I'm still a fat fucking blob. Blazer Show is more important than a fucking bikini. IT will be what I'm most concerned with other than my schooling. If I'm rich, I'll buy a new damn body lol.

So that's that. Thinking of writing up a flyer for Blazer Show Facebook now and tagging some artist friends. I wanna start spreading the concept of working on it to possibly for a chill team.

FUCK.

Talk about angry to the point of EXPLODING in a very ugly way...
That's what I feel like today. Although nothing eventfully terrible occurred today, I'm frustrated and PISSED OFF.

I'd rather NOT fucking talk about it, but would much rather just vent out a little on what I'm FEELING. And I'm honestly feeling like an ASSHOLE. That's right, an asshole. That would best describe it. It's all under the surface, and I think it's in my best interest to let it fucking stay there.

Anyway.

I missed the fucking Function Club meeting today. Everyone departed early because 2 people showed up (my friends) and I was late because of FUCKING FUCK FUCKING TRAFFIC FUCK! again. After that, I sat in a class with a lecture MINUS a fucking power point presentation and cell phone. I had to skip out on my meeting with Jay tonight.......yeah, GAY.......................... And instead I'll be meeting up with him tomorrow...my busiest. fucking. day.

And to put the icing on the cake....
Nevermind.

I also have forgotten to register on the 7th for new fucking classes. So now I'm gonna get all the LAME classes at SHITTY ASS times.

My guy hasn't responded to my calls about green, which he keeps SWEARING that he'll be around.

Why tell me you'll be around and then not be? Not having tree makes me mad. Waste of time.

Well. I don't feel better, but my blood pressure is thanking me.
FTW. I'll be in my room tonight working on the show.
Hope everyone's well.

jess.

Good things' a comin'

So, I'm pretty beat.
I spent the day relaxing, running a shopping errand, and chilling with my friend Dan to an amazing 2 bowls of sour diesel. I got all in the zone to write but I didn't bother. I'll do another all nighter Thursday. I'll figure it out. With the way the project is rolling, I'm confident the first episode will be cut and dry complete this Thursday.

This Thursday is also my first Function Club meeting for Web Design. I'm secretary. I guess it's good to be involved in that stuff at school. For my own benefit as well as resume brownie points. I have another poem workshop tomorrow night in class, and I'll be using the one I posted earlier this week, the "Blissful blah blah in the backseat of longing"

I feel really positive, but I feel like shit too. I don't know why. Maybe I just need some rest. I've worked enough tonight and I'm looking forward to recharging this mental battery.

I need to keep working and diving into school and Blazer Show. It's one of the few things keeping me sane and feeling great about myself, considering my diet is equaling FAIL on and off. Spring, I hope to be EXTRA back into it. I'll be okay. Patience is important.

I was gonna post Blazer Show stuff but I'll do it at the end of the week perhaps.
Hope everyone's doing well :)

Jess

WOW!

So it's about 6:50 in the a.m. and I'm kinda blissfully speechless. I can't believe that the first 3 quarters of the show is already written, in full funtiona-

Ok, so I'm back at 7:04 a.m. Good thing I asked the guard at the front desk to keep an eye out for when residents leave for work and the lot has free parking spots open. Now I have an awesome window of 4 hours for a much needed nap before my class, without worrying about my whip bein' towed. And. I'm already in the city. AND. Blazer Show is almost there...

Jay worked with me arduously throughout the course of the night. I read him what I had, gave him material I've written, and talked the first episode out to him. Not only did he jump into the project full throttle, but he also completely allowed Blazer Show to take flight. Writing awesome dialog with ease, and really identifying each characters persona and voice; accurately, I might add, to what I wanted them to. I feel like I'm fucking soaring through the sky right now. As though this is fuckin' ALRIGHT yo. It's blowing my mind. "Oh my god...this is the show!" To hear the characters interact with one another appropriately. To see how they each act individually and as a whole with the story-line, I couldn't be happier. Jay has proved himself a valuable asset on this journey to completion, and I openly welcome him in the writing process as an official part of Blazer Show.

Created by: Jess Ramsey & Gee Terado
Written by: Jay Gambit, Jess Ramsey
Co-written by: Gee Terado
Artwork and Character design/animation by: Gee Terado
More names to come, let's hope! I'm SURE Noel will want a part of it other than vocally, as well as a few others.

I feel like there's a real team driving this shit home right now, and my mind is floating happily. Buzzing with positive vibes of a plausible successful future, pride, and accomplishment. This is only the beginning. As I work with Gee on the premise of the show in the first season and remaining 4 out of 6 episodes, Jay will place them together structurally in proper script format. An episode a week. We'll be done in 2 months, with it all polished. Then we record voices (Which is gonna be super easy), and then we talk animation. The website is noob-ish but the skeletal structure is in place, and all it needs is tweaking. Jay and I reviewed the Cartoon Network submission form....omg. I'm so excited.

Aside from that, I look forward to talking to Gee about what we've gotten done this evening ASAP. I know he'll love it, and I can't wait to hear his feedback. And everyone elses' ;)

Aside from that, I'm busting my ass in school. I missed one with the flu, and otherwise maintain a perfect attendance. I participate vigilantly in classroom discussions, answering questions, acing quizzes, and even becoming Secretary of the Function club for web design. I am time managing with school work and striving forward for those straight A's and HOPEFULLY a best of quarter award for either my Creative Writing class or, especially, my E-Learning Design program. I am putting 120 percent into my studies right now. I want something to be proud of when I leave this place for good, and venture out into the unknown that will be my life.

All I need now is a damn job, to lose weight little by little, and find a good weed connect...cause fuck knows I haven't found SHIT!

I'm accomplishing my goals.
Everything's paying off now.

After class last night, I gave a friend a ride home in the city. She was recently mugged and so apprehensive about walking home at night. I insisted to drive her home after this particular class, and for her to call me anytime she felt that way and I'd help if I could. When parking over at Jays, I found my car to be stuck. For 15 minutes I tried everything in the book, all the tricks of the trade, but the damn thing wouldn't budge. Looking up from the steering wheel in frustration after digging and using rubber mats under the tires, a pleasant looking man, successful, young, was taking off his probably 100 dollar pair of gloves.

"You need a little help there? Can I offer a hand?" He was so charming and caring, and had a lovely smile. Jay came down and him and Andrew (This generous stranger) began pushing. Before I knew it, another gentleman ran from across the street, and the 3 of them got my car over that pile of ice. It reminded me of how the Universe DOES in fact give back. And just now, another example...when moving my car to a permanent spot in the lot, the woman next to me was leaving. She was stuck. I pushed her car out of that spot for her, and she thanked me. And so, karma and the Universe reveals itself in that beautiful slice of a moment sometimes....beautiful. Not to mention the security guard stood post and texted me personally when a spot opened up! There are good people in this world. Within mankind. Our species. We all pay it forward with positivity and care.

On the way in the building, while quickly chatting with the guard, a man asked me if I did web design. He runs a martial art school and really might want videos, a web site and all for his students. I tossed him my business email and an opportunity just might show itself in the future.

:: sigh :: These moments remind me that we all need a little help sometimes. And as far as Blazer Show goes....on point.

Symbolism in life is sexy. I love it.

thejess.

Blissful Thoughts in the Backseat of Longing

This is a poem I'm working on for my Creative Writing class. It's very dear and close to my heart, as it describes the best moments of my life in Philadelphia with my closest of friends in the dorms. I love you all. Enjoy. Feedback is always welcomed.

Blissful Thoughts in the Backseat of  Longing

I remember when the clouds sang silently to us each morning.

And summertime rang and rose up throughout halls.

The vibrant glow of the waking sun leisurely climbing the walls. 

As towers cast drastic shadows that sliced into that desolate concrete jungle.

Corner stands billowed redolent palatable swirls. Good eats. 

How the smell traversed amidst the mucky staleness of  that inimitable city.

Ambitiously navigating it's way to my sniffer. Successfully. 

Reminding me that it's never too early for a fat slab of meat.

Early morns in pants with no legs and shirts with no sleeves, hair tousled.

We gathered. Sitting in our customary annulus, as the ancients once did.

Igniting that small flame that burned through noon into night. 

Our  relaxed giggles expelling vibes of harmonious contentment among us few.

Night rolling over our glorious city. 

While lights began speckling the cosmic steel landscape like small square suns.

As our eves were ruled by haze.

Twirling in blissful plumes and spirals towards the ceiling.

But we never once saw the ceiling. We didn't know it was there. 

Distracted as infectious laughter spread like wildfire through our hearts.

Splitting our sides with joy as our elation spilled out through the seems.

While we existed with brilliant illusions of endlessness.

Like superheroes we guarded the gates to our incompleteness.

Allowing our moments to be numbered with grace and beautiful ignorance.

We relished in our most elegant of times. Before life would move on without us. 

Without me.

Keepin' the train on the tracks

Missed a recent get together with my favorite people. So, that wasn't cool. But we'll all see each other soon and I look forward to it.

I ate once today at dinner and it was reasonable. Other than a small snack, I think I'll be back on track. School is going well. I'm really keeping up with the work and aiming for best of quarter for my E-Learning Design class. I'm more than confident I'll win it. I haven't exactly had much to say. I've been pretty introverted mentally for a week or so, just trying to put things together.

I figured I'd post 3 poems I wrote for Creative Writing class. Show a couple things I've been doing for class. Progress, progress.

‘To Ponder’ 

It’s often frightening,

But mostly enlightening.

Feeling alone.

Nearest star light years from home.

Where we search for life like our own.

Are humans so large?

Are we really in charge?

Are we ever so small?

Floating on our spherical ball?

These questions, we ponder.

Be there no life form fonder?

Than our existence in the Universe at all?

‘Gray’

They lurk. Hunting. Two

Opposing shades. Black on White.

Combing through the night.

He stays in the gray.

Just as the color of the

City that they prey.

He dodges. Hopes to 

Evade. Waiting to be saved.

Rid this life for good. 

Highways are perfect.

Endless and free. Beautiful.

Air flowing like Rain.

Glorious escape. 

In more ways than one. Relief.

No such thing as pain.

End of the highway.

Where the lamp posts end. Where he's

Safe till done again.

‘The 

Charming Concerto’

Climactically climbing crooked crescendos.
Tuning tones. Twisting times. Tumbling trills.
Fine fortes. Feisty fortissimo.

Melodic mechanical minds meshing.

My, what a charming concerto. 

Update

So I'm finally starting to beat this cold. Still congested and feeling shitty. But I'm sure it'll fade within a few days. Now it's the time of the month thing I need to conquer. (Sorry for the too many details boys)

I'm doing really great in school so far. But I'm happy class is cancelled tonight. It's so damn cold out and I hate it! This storm is going to be pretty serious. I grabbed me a small bottle of vodka to unwind a little later and work on Blazer Show.

Now that I'm feeling better, my big ass has to get to the gym with Mary at least twice this week. I MUST LOSE WEIGHT. I've been failing at it terribly. Sometimes I feel like the whole world is hell bent on making me fail.

Still no job. Haven't lost anymore weight. I gotta keep on trying. Even if I keep failing, I'll succeed eventually. Hope everyone's hanging in there. I'll be reading.

Jess

Nuclear bombs in a fine-mist stray

Still battling this intense cold. It's been a rough one! Stuffed up a lot and really soar throat. I'm sure it will pass eventually. Just gotta keep truckin.'

Back on my diet. Water, water, water. I don't wanna fall behind in my weight loss goal any further. Some guy on the news was doing a report that the previous week is notorious for when people stop carrying on with their New Years Resolutions. I laughed and told myself to stick with the good and positive changes! It's all about doing better each time around. So that's what I'm going to try and do.

School is going really well. I'm feeling straights A's again this quarter. Yet another one of my goals for the next 3 months. I'm also excited cause within one month things are gonna start getting nicer outside. April is when I really start feeling the vibes. But I think if I pay attention to school and the show, I can get there without further problems.

Just wanted to drop in. Luckily, I got a nice little nick from someone really close to me, and it's good. I'm looking forward to writing today and resting off the cold.

thejess.

I'M AWESOME

I don't know what the FUCK my problem was earlier when I posted that blog and deactivated BS website.

I, JESS RAMBO, HAVE THE COMPLETE ABILITY WITHIN MYSELF, TO MAKE THE MOST AWESOME FUCKING ANIMATED SERIES!

I'm an idiot. I cannot quit on this show. I can not give up because it's hard. I can do this. I can make this shit happen. I have the power to make this work, and not let myself down or anyone else.

I can do it.

shit

I woke up today all pissed off. The cold is eating away at my health. It's putting me in a bad mood. All I want to do is sleep. And sleep. And sleep. And be under the covers. These terribly insulated windows are letting in tons of dry cold air. My throat's all dry and raw, and my nose is stuff-packed. It's fucking ridiculous, really. Not to mention my other evil health concerns all surfacing at once and no insurance.

With me being sick, and Jay having other plans, Blazer Show was not looked at nor discussed as planned. I deactivated the Blazer Show Facebook because nothing is getting done, and I'm tired of talking about it. I've seriously lost enthusiasm for it recently and I just can't stand to look at anything from it. It's better this way anyhow. I'm gonna focus on school and building websites, like I'm supposed to and stop worrying about this concept. It's obviously not it's time to shine, so I'm not gonna bother. I do not have the proper resources to do this anymore. And no one in this day-in-age can spare nor afford any time to it's development. It's not the economic time to be working on it. It's too early in development to pitch, or do anything with.

Inside, I'm kinda sinking into a mini-winter depression. Why can't it be like when I was young? When people could afford milk and bread, and go to a doctors office for check ups. It's been so hard on me to NOT go to hospital, to IGNORE the issues that may seriously hurt me physically in the near future.

Where's the hope? Where's the possibility? Where did it all go? We don't even answer the house phone anymore. It's just bill collectors. And the funny thing is, I've never owned a credit card in my entire life. It's over 7 grand in medical bills for someone to tell me I might have this, or might have that...and sent home with little or no medical treatment, and what's worse, no medication.

I'm tired of filling out applications. And calling fucking shit-fuck jobs begging for a manager to return my calls. Questionnaires 100 pages long to fucking flip hamburgers. Is that what this countries become? Why did I ever bother going to college? To put myself thousands and thousands of dollars in debt and not be able to acquire a job to pay for it.

Weight loss is so impossible right now. I can't afford healthy meals on my own. And with two unemployed adults and a sick grandmother, there just isn't money for good things. I fucking HATE it.

Just continuing through this bullshit in the same place I started.

Short n' Sweet

Pretty beat, let me just say that off the bat. Tomorrow it's comparative religions and then I'm sleeping over Jay and Kat's.

It will officially be my first Blazer Show meeting with a script read for the first episode. I'm kinda nervous because it's a little intimidating showing the script to an outside source for constructive criticism and input. He's fantastic with script format and we have the same taste in sitcoms and series.' Plus he's an advertising major, need I say more.

I look forward to going over it with him. Eating today went super well. I didn't over eat at all and I did a decent amount of fast paced walking. So I'm good. Back on track, I suppose. I'll let everyone know how that goes as far as progress asap.

So I think I'm gonna call it a night and look at the first episode. Super freaked out! Anyhow, hope everyone's doing awesome and sticking to following their goals! I'm gonna have to balls up and weigh myself again within the week. JEEZ.

Night to all! Happy Z's!

Annoying

Things are so shitty.

I really need money. And once again my efforts to find employment have lost their luster as well as my attention or enthusiasm.

It really annoys me that as a women my age in a relationship for 8 years that almost nothing has changed since day one. Couples my age are getting married, going on vacations, hell, even having kids. I really sometimes feel that that is never going to be the case. I feel like I'm taking care of a grown up, thus limiting my sparse resources on someone semi-undeserving. Is it so much to ask for a normal relationship? Where things are a little less dependent on me all the time? If my car broke down or I needed a lift from school, I'm always on my own as far as relying on my partner goes. It's really frustrating because the years of tolerating, forgiving, taking back, and waiting have really gone over their limits.

But love is blind. And hope is something I can't shake for many situations. Someone is depending on me right now and I can't just leave someone in the dark or without a home or place to call home. I'm not that cruel.

I've been ready for a long time to let a man be a man and take care of my needs. There's nothing wrong with being a self-earning female, but it gets old when I'm providing for both myself and a grown man. The worst part is, the audacity he has when I bring up such issues. Ugh it's such a mess. Such a roller coaster of nonsense.

It's very.....very annoying.

Writers Block

I woke up today thinking about the show. Jeez. It's monday and I'm supposed to have this script finalized and decent by Thursday night.

The show and school have been on my mind for a while. Creative Writing usually gets me going so I look forward to that too.

Today I super feel like poo. As a female I'm forced to suffer for several days. And try to stick to a diet. This is going to be the real challenge in weight loss. I need to stick to a damn diet and stop flubbing on it. It's eating every several hours that's really messing me up. I really need to work harder and continue losing this weight.

When I was talking to Jay, I went on this big rabble about how my personal image needs to change. He insisted that it meant nothing. That the show or success is a great motivator for losing weight, but that my goal was to accomplish making a hit series, not looking like a playboy model. :: sigh :: It actually was relieving to hear that. But this goal of weight loss still must remain. It's important for me to have structure.

I wish weed was more accessible. That I could find a job to support myself better and stay focused. But finding a job has proved so unsuccessful lately. For a lot of people...

I really enjoy smoking and writing. It get's me in this Blazer Show zone. But without cash or a reliable connect, I've found my creative juices lacking. I need to find a way to see around that and keep writing.

I'm nervous that the first episode isn't that good. I'm looking forward to my first meeting on improving this dialog and keeping it all together. Writing a series is hard, especially with good everything and with a continuing plot line throughout the show.

Today, I'm gonna rest, eat right, and try and finish this up. As well as conquer this Creative Writing homework. I know I can do it. And I started my day with this semi-erratic blog to try and organize my plans for work today. I hope it helps. Feeling kinda shitty.

No more numbers...cause they're wrong anyway and I've lost track :)

I woke this morning groggy and cranky....because for the slightest distinct moment, I could have sworn I heard the trees swaying outside the window and smell the green of the grass....

I hope that summer comes sooner than ever. I miss the sun and it's healing energy. It is loved and missed so dearly.

DAY 15 11:21 AM

Today was pretty eventful. You could say that I definitely got some cardio in today. James and John called up me and Rob and said we had to go with them to this frozen lake and wildlife sanctuary. Snow was everywhere. We took the ride up to the park and began hiking in the snow! I fell down lots of times and had some fantastic laughs. It was so hard trekking through the snow and ice. But at the end of our quest, we found ourselves at the edge of a lake completely frozen over. Nothing but trees and the velvet of the winter sky accompanied the tranquil setting. Again, nature reminded me that winter is a part of an important cycle. And it is to be respected. Despite how long my journey was and how difficult it was, at the end of it was beauty and peace. I related that a lot to my life right now. And felt it was symbolically a useful lesson that I needed reminding of.

The other night I visited Jay downtown. We sat up for several hours discussing Blazer Show. It was when he asked me a question that I really got to thinking.

"Look. Do you want to be rich? Or do you want to be famous?"

I thought about the question for quite a moment before responding. Rarely am I so unable to conjure forth a witty or quick response.

"Rich."

I said it without much confidence and I'm pretty sure he picked up on it. I then realized -

"-Well......I really want both"

He nodded with approval. I completely understood in an instant what his point was of the question.

"Rich can run out. But fame lasts forever." he replied.

I talked to him about how I missed Gee and our creative team. How it always felt wrong to do things without him in earshot. Jay reminded me that Gee isn't going anywhere and he'll always be my partner. He then told me that it was time Blazer Show became a tangible marketable product. Gotta love advertising majors. He's right. Just cause Gee moved doesn't mean that our team is any less powerful. It's time I do what's best for the show and us and get it moving.

Thursday nights are Blazer Show nights. I bring him a script. We read with voices. And by spring, we start getting our animators (You know who you are friends xo) to begin laying stuff out, such as backdrops and all. Basics. Right now, Gee needs to do Gee. And I promised him I would take care of it. And that's what I am going to do.

I'm excited for this. Blazer Show is only several steps from being materialized. And I can't wait. This one's for you bro.

Anyhow, the diet definitely went better today than the last 2 days. Tomorrow will be even better. I'm also glad that I got some exercise. It was rewarding, beautiful, and now I'm nice and tired right on time.

I hope you all are paying attention to the little things in our lives that quietly let us know we're on the right path.

thejess.

DAY 13/14 11:59AM

Missed yesterday and didn't even realize it!
Well today is January 14th. My moms birthday. I realize more as I get older that it sucks not having a mom around. My mom was really cool, and it kinda sucks that I wasn't able to grow up with her and be her friend. Do mom and daughter things together. Sometimes it makes me angry. Or jealous. When I see others my age with their parents. I remember living in the dorms and no one from my family really ever was there to visit. Even when I moved my things out, I had to do it alone. I'd give anything to have "mom" text message me that I have forgotten my house keys....or that she left pasta in the fridge for me. She used to do a lot of fun stuff with me. I wish she were here, especially when I started college. I miss trips to the beach. To this day, she was the only one who would stay on the beach from 8 in the morning until 7 at night! Late night drives, and listening to Ushers first album in her Toyota. She had a real flare for fun. And I miss that in my life. I do just fine without a Dad. But a mom....now that's something I'm deprived of.
Well, Happy birthday mom.

Yesterday I had my Comparative Religions class. It was much more objective than I initially assumed. But week 9 is our open discussion week. LOL. Can't wait till that one....

Tomorrow, diet starts back full throttle. I know what to expect now when factoring in my school schedule, and I'm ready to handle it. I'm still waking up nice and super early, which is a good feeling. But I don't wanna get lazy again.

Word around the campfire is that there are several jobs floating around near me. Tackling all those possibilities first thing tomorrow morning. Me and the boyfriend. Hopefully it works out.

Now that things have settled a bit, my entries will be less sporadic. I'll be catching up on all the blogs today. I hope everyone's doing well.

love.
thejess.

DAY 12: 11:48AM

Totally beat.

First day of class went well. My diet did not. Picking up the car and running around in the beginning of the day really through me off. I ate a pretzel around 2 and then a burrito at 10pm after class. Tomorrow, it's back on track.

Creative Writing was inspiring for me. Especially with Blazer Show ALWAYS lurking in the back of my mind.

I really have nothing to talk about, other than how tired I am. So It's a quick drop in post. I'll pick up tomorrow with a new one.

peace and love,

thejess.

DAY 11: 8:03PM

What a day.

You know, sometimes the world and how it works utterly confuses me. It's weird because there are those days when you wake up and you just get that gut feeling at your core that there is trouble on the horizon. Or perhaps it's the worry which causes the negative outcomes? Who knows.

I woke up at around 11am today, and decided that I was going to donate blood to some bio-research company with the boyfriend and my friend Sarah. I was looking forward to 20 dollars. That's pack of cigs, and some gas that I really could use. Although it was for research, I was willing to overcome it and do it because sometimes in life you have to do things you don't really want to do.
The office was... odd. Everything else was clean in the facility except the waiting room. No big deal. When they called me back a nurse began talking a mile a minute about questions. She pricked my finger to test my hemoglobin level. It was 2 points below normal. Fuck. I was not eligible. Sarah and Rob were, so I waited out in the waiting room.

Sitting out there, I started getting so many negative emotions. Like "Why is it always me?" Perhaps I was just thinking that way because of coincidence. But I had no idea that the notion had any merit once we left the facility and headed out on our way...

It was so bitter cold outside. You could feel the grayness of the sky's desire to crack open and unleash the snow. Something just didn't feel right at all. Something was wrong. As noted previously, I noticed that the heat in my car still refused to function. While on the disapointing drive back home, I called Charolette and told her. She said to check my temperature guage as quickly as possible. I had a small photograph of Robert and I stick in the dash over the temperature gage....With shock, I hung up the phone when looking at it revealed it was almost to overheating. I had only been driving it for 10 minutes and it was 27 degrees outside. Banging from under the hood began and half a mile from home I was forced to pull over and shut down the car. Once it cooled, I drove it home and parked it in the driveway, where Jeff from Jeff's towing came to flatbed it for me to the dealership. "What is it this time?" He joked with a smile. He understood my frustration, as he always has, and towed away my Optimus Prime. Who knew a fucking oil change could cause me so much grief. After putting money in gas into it too....

Stranded without a car, and the snow storm approaching, as well as my first day of class tomorrow...bad time to no have my whip. If the dealership can't operate tomorrow with the snow, then I really won't have a car for a while.

Skipping several of my small meals, I ate hearty at dinner. With all the drama and confusion of the day, I didn't eat, nor consume my regular gallon of water. I'm afraid that skipping my meals today due to circumstance will set me back on my weight loss. I'm also disappointed that my chronic anemia has not improved with my high iron rich diet and vitamin supplement consumption......

Sarah and I blew off some steam from the sketchy blood donation place by smoking a blunt and playing some Mario Bros 3. It's time for me and the boyfriend to cuddle the night away through this storm.

Tomorrow's a new day. Stay warm.

thejess.

DAY 9 (technically 10) 2:51AM

Today was one of those awesome days.
I woke up nice and early and took the car for an oil change. I had a fun conversation with Charolete, the woman at the dealership who processes my car for service. It was a lovely conversation and I felt good about the start of the day. Unfortunately, upon leaving my low coolant light went on. Odd. And my heat doesn't work anymore. It's kinda cold so, if it's not snowing in the morning, I'm going to take it up there and let them fix whatever they messed up.

Anyhow, Robert and I rewired the entire entertainment area. Although frustrating, it felt good to do something with my hands. A little Video Production flashback was kinda nice.

I hit up my friend Mary and she asked me "How do you do it?! What are you on right now!? I've never seen this side of you before." I responded and told her that when I find myself feeling negative, I stop and I think about my primary goal for 2011. Blazer Show. I tell her that everytime I get down, I visualize popping bottles of champagne at a premeir party for Blazer Show. All my friends are there. And we're just all smiling and excited. I told her that it's the one thing that keeps me moving forward. And if I visualize it and work at it, things will come together somehow. I just know it. :)

My Aunt came over for dinner. I apologized for my conflicting nature lately, although I wasn't. I felt for Robs sake, that make some sort of peace. My grandmother and Rob and her ate hoagies. But I did NOT give in. I had half a can of soup and a nice salad. Afterwards Rob and I linked up with Renee. It was really good to see her. I haven't seen her in a few and she's like my sister. We went over to Jimmies and smoked with him and John. It was a really funny night. Lot's of laughs. Mary even mentioned that I lost weight. It felt amazing.

I got to share with my friends my goals for weight loss and Blazer Show and exhibit my passion about these things. I think it's important that I keep talking about my goals. In the midst of it all, I created an AWESOME goal for myself (granted I find employment soon). When I lose my 50th pound, I am going to buy myself a PS3, God of War 3, and Metal Gear Solid 4. With Robs help, of course :)

No rush or anything, I'm not going to do anything different. But whenever I'm tempted I can think of Solid Snake hiding under a cardboard box or Kratos slaying some cyclop's. I look forward to said reward, and it's wonderful motivation to stick true to my dieting.

I spent a nice night with Robert. Right now I find myself smiling and thinking of all of the good things to come. Everything's going to be okay. I love ya's all and I wish that positivity is helping you all in your quests. We can all make this happen guys. We can all achieve happiness and peace of mind.

I'm absolutely beat so I'm going to get some shut eye. It's kinda late for my routine lately so I wanna get some rest. I'll read up on everyone's blogs tomorrow. Goodnight!

"Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known" - Carl Sagan

thejess.

DAY 8: 10:16AM

I know i missed yesterday, but I could have sworn I made the post....
Oh well, I'll have to kinda fill ya in.

So, yesterday, I woke up at around 7am. Starting my day off with my vitamin supplement and a bottle of water as well as a healthy breakfast. I caught my Grandmother off guard when I overheard her talking about how "filthy" the bathrooms were. Is she serious? If anyone knows me....Anyhow, the bathroom is always spotless, toilet shining, walls sparkling...So I decided to inform her of her inaccuracy, and when asking her to show me exactly what she felt was dirty, she had no answer. In a fit of anger I spent two hours scrubbing all the already clean walls and floors on hands and knees with bleach. I vacuumed everything in the house, again. Made the beds, dusted the furniture. Afterwards, she had to balls to ask me to go to a Chinese Buffet with her, and my Aunt of all people. I declined. Not only am I on a DIET....as I had mentioned several times, but I don't like my Grandmother, or my Aunt. Therefore I was not interested in eating around them. My boyfriend went with them. Gave me some time alone. I decided not to hide from winter anymore. I needed cardio. Regardless of the snow. So, I buckled down in my sweats, boots, hat and gloves, and began shoveling. After out driveway and walkway, I cleaned off my car....I figured I needed to do more, so I walked next door to my neighbors and shoveled their double driveway, and two walkways.

As I was finishing up the neihbors driveway, My Grandmother and the rest were leaving for the Buffett. My Grandmother turned to my Aunt and laughed, making some nasty comment about me, I'm sure.
I hate her.
I hate more everyday that I have to see her.

But I didn't care. When they left and I finished what I had sought out to do, I felt great. Back a little sore, it was worth it. I trekked through the snow back to my house and sat on the front step. I never realized how gorgeous winter time can be. How pretty the sky was. I decided to make a mini-snowman, all by myself. And I did. How rewarding haha.

I went in the house, and finished some more unnecessary cleaning, before escaping to a hot steam shower. It was so quiet in the house. No one was lurking or waiting to pounce. Except for the cat... :)


After the amazing relaxing shower, I made myself a steamed shrimp scampy. WIN. I had a portion of that with a side of lettuce. I had just been about to settle in and start with my shows, when I heard a violent banging on the front door downstairs.
How appropriate. And symbolic. Peace and tranquility interupted by demmanding, ignorant, and overwhelming childishness. I let them in, and asked why no one had brought a key to the house they live in....:: shakes head ::

I was exhausted and felt really good about myself. I snuggled into bed at a little before 9, and watched some First 48 and Celebrity Ghost Stories. A few friends stopped by for an hour or so, and then I slept like a baby!



I awoke this morning and decided it was time for a weigh in. Not expecting anything at all, I looked down and saw that I had lost 3 POUNDS!

I can't believe it. I lost 3 Pounds. The good way. The right way. So, every week, once a week, I'm gonna weigh myself :)

I am so happy. Other than being poor, I don't have a care in the world.

Not a care in the world.....

One love! xo
thejess

DAY 7(8): 9:33am

I LOST 3 POUNDS!

that is all. 

thejess.

DAY 6: 11:18PM

I began writing earlier today, dumping all of my frustrations out. But I decided not to post the long blog. Instead I allowed it to serve its purpose, in giving me inner peace, and part with it.

Today was a stressful day for me. In a lot of different ways.  The snow and the cold prevented and prevents me from doing my walking ritual. I did a few crunches, drank my water, and stayed well under my maximum calorie limit. I'm okay. I also applied for a job as a receptionist. Put my resume in and all. I know that soon enough I will find employment and be able to begin the rest of my journey onward.

I found out that my partner doesn't give two shits about the mishap the other evening. And I'm glad that my faith in the friendship stood true.  I'll always have Blazer Show.

Tomorrow it's more applying and more eating right. I hope to see other fellow peers on blogspot soon.

I think that tonight, I need a good nights rest and a fresh start in the morning.

I also gotta say that it kinda feels good to be waking up at 8am everyday. I like it. And these little changes in my habits have made a world of difference. I'm more ready to work an 8 hour shift now than ever before.

I'm so anxious for the changes. I'm so excited for the possibility of an amazing future.

Stay positive all.

thejess.

DAY 5: 8:58pm

I am absolutely tired. A good tired though. I had a big hearty meal for dinner tonight, but it was all natural food and cooked by me. Talapia and mushrooms and onions...mmm. I went for 2 walks today that nearly killed me in this cold. I also did 50 crunches. So I'm feeling good about all that. And no naps! Again!

The only thing really getting to me, is working on Blazer Show. My boyfriend kinda fucked things for me on a serious level. I'm not stupid, I can smell the tension in the air. But the truth is, I don't give a hell if he did anything. It's HIS problem. It's got nothing to do with me and my partner so fuck him, really. I just hope my partner ignores it and moves forward as I with this show. Nowadays, I just shrug his stupid shit off. Because I have a lot of goals, and this it's my best guy friend. :: shakes head :: Hope this clears up...

Plan on applying in person at the movie theater (2 locations) and all tomorrow. Other than that, I really have nothing to report. I'm sticking to my diet, walking, drinking water, avoiding negative nonsense and getting tired by 8pm. Gotta love good ol'
fashioned discipline!

Anyhow, I'm hoping you all had a positive day! I'm gonna head to sleep. I'll be sure to follow up with everyone's blog tomorrow. :)

Sweet Dreams!

thejess.

Day 4: 5:47pm

I cannot believe what 4 days of drive and motivation has done for me. I have boundless energy over what I had. I actually WANT to get up in the morning, wash my face, and put clothes on. I'm on a diet that's not horrible at all, and really feeling good inside and outside. I also have to take a minute to thank Kieran. I seriously was just scoping Facebook like a lazy butthole, not doing anything with myself, and I happened to catch a glimpse into someone else for a moment and really connect with how they were feeling.

Simply the knowledge of someone else out there sharing my feelings and standing up to make a change, set my whole New Year into motion. I'm dieting. I'm exercising. I'm smiling. Thanks a lot Kieran. And thanks to Kam for her encouraging comments and support. Beautiful people man....

So, today I woke up nice and early. I filled out my application and I'm gonna hand it in tomorrow. I didn't do my walk, but I worked out at home, and stuck to my strict diet! I'm feeling so much energy. I'm so happy. Stupid things aren't bothering me. My home life is whatever. I've taken independency for myself. People's dirty looks or comments do not bother me, because they are WRONG and NEGATIVE people. I am going to do well and lose weight and be working. And school is just a week away. Good things are coming.

I quarreled with the bf a little bit because on New Years he got a little drunk and pissed me off. When a friend of mine texted and asked me about it, the bf got really defensive and deleted the person from his facebook. Unfortunately, the misinterpretation is causing me some stress because my bf feels kinda dumb and yet again may have to apologize and add this person back. I love him..but sometimes he really puts me in an unnecessary and awkward place. This particular friend is like one of my best friends. I hope this gets solved. But I can't change it. Since no harsh words were spoken, I'm hoping this will work itself out. And I hope more that my friend understands that I had no control. I hope he does :(

But anyhow. I can't stay mad. It's unhealthy for me right now. I know he's my friend and he's not going anywhere. I have faith in that friendship. :: fist pound ::

But this is about me. And I've vowed only to get involved if nasty things go down. Which won't because my bf is just a boob sometimes. I hope this works out!

I'm about to have an awesome dinner I'm allowed to have and go for a walk twice around the block. Hopefully I can make it till later tonight!

Love you all
peace, love, and joy

thejess

DAY 4: 1:28pm

I have stood true to drinking nothing but water. It feels really good not to have sugar struggling to pump through my body on a daily basis. I have a lot more stamina and energy.

Yesterday, I went for a walk with Rob and got my heart rate up. I didn't get to the second walk because I thought some friends were visiting. They never showed and I passed out at around 8. I was hoping to stay away until 1 or so, but hell, it worked out. I woke up nice and early today and took my vitamins, portioned my breakfast properly, and drank a full bottle of water. My friend was supposed to walk with me today, but she got tied up so I'll be going alone this time.

I'm keeping my hunger under control. Today I did a little yoga, and like 30 stomach crunches. I can feel my tummy getting sore already. I also did 20 half push-ups. I'll make sure I do my walk today, and not push 1200 calories!

The job hunt is very slow. A friend on Facebook posted a craigslist ad for a web design intern in Feasterville, which is only about 15 from my house. Although I'm not presently qualified, I sent them my resume anyhow and decided that not only is that an option for my internship, but a job! And close to home.
I'm still yet to get this Taranova's application back in. I have no gas money and no gas so I can't get there. I literally don't have like a quarter. Hopefully my friend will come through and let me drop off the application because I'm pretty sure I'll get it. It'll be perfect timing with school starting next week.

I'm starting to feel like not everything is out of my control. I think that the hardest thing was just to commit and get started doing something! Now that I'm on track, I cannot let myself down. This is my final test. I have to accomplish my goals or die trying! I want to be a success. I want to have money in my pocket. Gas in my car, and a job that doesn't make me wanna drive my car over a bridge. I can have all of this!

It's just gonna take a little effort! Thanks for all the support guys!

thejess.

Day 3 7:01am

I'm awake a lot earlier than initially anticipated. I hate it though. If I were able to have woken up at 10am today, then I'd be in business. Now I have to find a way to not be tired by 4 in the afternoon!

Since I was up early, I decided to do some planning. I went online today and really read the figures and numbers involved with weight loss. I love being a bigger girl, but I am really excited to finally drop all the weight off again. I'll always have someone who loves my body the way it is, but it's a matter of health. With all this extra weight on me. 75 pounds to be exact, I have no energy. That coupled with my tendencies towards laziness are not a good combination.

So, it's time.
I stand 4ft 11inches. And I'm 198 lbs.
If I were 5 ft 5inches...I'd only have to lose about  40 pounds to be a hot tamale. Unfortunately, I am a little person. And little people plus fat equals umpa loompa.

The average body mass index for my height is a maximum of 25. I'm teetering just below a 40. That's only a little less than double what it should be. My heart must be working almost double as hard. With my medical problems, I don't need this extra baggage and weight. I'm not gonna eat when I'm bored anymore. I'm not gonna smoke a bunch of pot and eat candy. Fuck that noise. I'm 24 years old! It's time I get my ass up and stop living like this lump! I have so much creative and comical energy to share with people, but I'm trapped in this fat suit. Well, I'm done with it.

When I used to act and all, I was a comfortable size 5. That compared to my current size of 16. It's a beautiful  voluptuous size, don't get me wrong, but not on a short chick like me. Although Marylin Monroe was a size 16, can I get an Amen! (Not religious but that phrasing seemed to capture the essence of my opinion on the matter)

My smallest size was a 3. I can't even fathom a size 3. I was a knock out for a while there!
So thus begins my quest to fix my physical self. I'm still gonna smoke pot and cigs though....kiss my ass this is America. One step at a time!

But seriously. I keep thinking about Blazer Show. Which, I do a lot. And I recognize the formula that equals TEAM. You see, my partner is like funny as hell. He's also not out of breath all the time. LOL. I need to obtain a physical look that corresponds accurately with who I am. I need a shaped identity to match the mind.

People are fuckin' mean to fat people. Even I'm mean to fat people, and I'm fat! So the hell with this. I'm out. If we were in Ancient Rome, and my nude ass was gracefully eating grapes and guzzling wine, some dude would be painting my thick self. But these are modern times, with modern people. Thin is in. Fat is....well, feel free to add a rhyme of your own.

So I am now so enthusiastic about losing weight. My target weight is 130 pounds. That's nearly 70 pounds away. That's another person. Literally and figuratively.

My new daily calorie intake will be no more than 1,000 calories. This is 200 calories less than recommended. I know I shouldn't, but because I'm not particularly active, and because I've been eating terribly for so long, my body is going to need this cleansing. All drinks replaced by water. 2 walks a day, and a strict diet of 1,000 calories a day. I know I can lose 30 lbs by the end of the semester.

I've decided to look at my old pictures from shortly after high school.





These 2 photos are from 2006.



I cannot believe the photos of myself that I'm unearthing. When I saw full body shots, I was appalled to see the difference. So, I'm not gonna be posting those body shots. Perhaps when I'm feeling a bit more confident. I found 2 pictures. One from early 2006. And another from late 2006. I've found the exact time in my life that I stopped caring about my weight. Because all of the pictures I've seen of myself after this, is when the weight started to come on.



Um...this was a time when I took a lot better care of my body enough to be snapping photos. I want...
<------ this again.

And I'm gonna get it.




This change is going to be insane. I'm pushing so hard to stick to it. It's going to work. And I'm going to succeed. Today I'm going to make sure I go for a walk, and if it's too cold, do one hour of yoga. I'm jotting down calories and taking my vitamins and drinking a ridiculous amount of water, a little more than a gallon in a 24 hour period. I know that weight will drop off a lot quicker at first. I'm hoping this encourages me to keep going!

Today I have to remember to get to Taranova's and refill out that application. Cause thejess needs a job.
Perhaps I'll enjoy this morning doing yoga, writing, and watching some Bill Kurtis Cold Case Files.

Positivity.

thejess.

Day 2 7:51pm

Today, I applied for a job and called Taranovas. Unfortunately, I have to get there and fill out another application. The problem is, my gas gauge is on E and I can't afford the short trip there. I asked a friend but they never came through and it frustrates me.

Tomorrow I'll be trying to get that goal done first thing anyway I can.

I stuck true to drinking only water. It's a small step, but I'm sure it will start to show its positive influence soon. It's not that bad. Instead of sugary drinks and soda, I now only drink water. I think that alone will be helpful.

My sleeping schedule is still messed up. But I can already see the hours shifting and things starting to make sense. Today, I gave in and fell asleep at around 2, waking up around 6. It's sounds terrible, but it's such a major improvement. Although I'm tempted to go to sleep now, I'm going to try and stay awake until at least 1am. If I can do that, I should wake up at a decent time and be back on track. In just 2 days I should have this sleeping thing under control.

Although seemingly uneventful, today was stressful. I had a dispute with my boyfriend over several minor issues that really need addressing. I try everything I can to approach him the right way, but after so many years, it seems so hard to get anything I'm feeling through to him. I feel like there's an absolutely horrible cycle that's making my life a lot harder than it needs to be. I feel that I've put up with years of things no one should stick around for, and yet I'm not appreciated for it. I try so hard to gain normalcy with him emotionally, socially, and mentally. Although I've exhibited my willingness to try and fix my flaws, I feel it's in vain because he never changes and seems to feel there's nothing that needs changing. This week alone, he's kinda screwed me over several times. I just wish I didn't have to deal with this while facing so many changes in my life.

I feel better getting that out here instead of screaming in a room and appearing to talk to myself for half an hour about how I can't deal. I want these things in my life to go away. I want them to set me free and allow me to live peacefully.

I hope that things will start to show a clearer path. I hope that by writing everyday that I will start to understand the main things in my life that give me stress and learn new ways to deal with it.

I may write again before bed. I feel better right now.

:: sigh ::

thejess.

Day 2 2:48 am

I finally sat down and concentrated on developing a list of goals to accomplish over the next 3 months.


1. GET A JOB


2. SAVE $500


3. GET STRAIGHT A's


4. DRINK NOTHING BUT WATER


5. LOSE 30 LBS


6. COMPLETE BLAZER SHOW EP1 AND Z.E.P.

Because my life seems to revolve on a 3 month routine, I decided to make the goal time consistent with that. This should help me understand a deadline more profoundly.

Perhaps in 3 months, I have only saved $350...I'll still have a standards bar to work for.

So, starting from today, January 3rd, 2011, until the end of my 3 month semester at school, these will be my goals.

Today when I wake up, I'm going to definitely be going for a half an hour walk, and also calling jobs.

thejess.

Day 1

So this is day 1 of documenting the process of what hopefully will be success. Inspired by a friend of mine who shared a surprisingly parallel feeling to what I have been experiencing, I decided to jump aboard his offer to do this.

There's a lot in my life that I've put on hold for a substantially long time. My life is seriously webbed with thousands of interconnected events and people. What most people really don't know, is that I come from a very dysfunctional family. Contrary to my naturally friendly nature, my life at home consists of name calling, yelling, and aggression. One of my primary goals this year, is to gain some level of independency and stability so that I may break free of the vicious cycle of toxic co-dependent relationships in my life. In order to accomplish that goal, I am going to have to take a number of crucial steps.

A main goal for me right now, is to find a job. Knowing I'm not ready for the industry I've just started educating myself in, and loathing video production, I've decided to find a job that requires me to stand on my feet, sweat, and clean. Any kind of job that will give my life routine and structure. Last night, I filled out an application for a little Philadelphia Pretzel Factory job that's just up the street from my house. The hours would be substantial, give me 300 bucks a week to work with and save, and no gas expenses. Unfortunately, the manager isn't hiring (despite the help wanted sign in the window) and is only documenting applications.

A local pizzeria is hiring. I have a history with the place, and those kinds of jobs are always my favorite. The money is always good, you get lots of exercise, and there's tips and flexible hours with school. I plan on calling them when the manager is in tomorrow morning, and following up with my application.

A nearly full-time job is exactly what I need. It would give me much more financial independency as well as get me out of my home for the most part. The rest of my time would be spent in school. I also plan to get straight A's next semester as well. And not drop a single class.

Hopefully, with a job, within a semester, I can move away from home near school, and work as a Tutor and lab monitor again at the Art Institute. Rent is affordable there and a job is always available. I would be able to go to school and work all in the same place. And with the numerous hours of being at school, I'll be in a creative environment, alway have time to get homework done and do extra studying, and work on writing Blazer Show.

This is mainly the goal for the first half of 2011. It's really time that I take responsibility for my suffering and work harder to do something to change it. I don't have to live this life of bullshit. I can snap out of it and get things done. Stop being lazy. Stop feeling sorry for myself, and change it all.

This progression is a direct road to my ultimate goal: Pitch Blazer Show to Adult Swim...and get it made.
If the timing doesn't work out well on the show, at least then I'd be in a position in my life to keep at it and be on my own away from the crap in my life.

I know I'm overweight. However, I'm convinced that with a full time job and school, my eating and sleeping habits will fall back into place and the weight will start to come off. Today, I began my pledge to drink nothing but water for a as long as I can. No soda or iced tea. Once my emotional state is stable and I have a job, my old healthier lifestyle will reveal itself once again. I look forward to losing weight and feeling more energized.

With my first paycheck from my job I'd like to open a new bank account and start fresh. The rest of the money will go to fund my travel to school and gas. Afterwards, I'd like to begin saving 1 quarter of my income every week. No matter what. That money will go in my bank account, which I will not touch. Come spring, I've decided to start taking the train at least twice a week to school, and get the exercise and save on parking.

I'm hoping that these little steps will all start to get me moving in the right direction of accomplishing all of my goals.

Tomorrow I plan on:

Following up with the Job at Taranova's
Fill out at least 3 job applications
Take a walk in the morning and at night.
Work on Blazer Show for a minimum of 2 hours

Let's hope tomorrow's small steps will add up.

thejess.

2011

Here we go!