Lonesome

I don't know what's been going on with me the past few days.

It's nothing particularly terrible. It's not necessarily negative.

Despite the multitude of interactions in my life, I cannot help but feel a sense of loneliness. Unlike attention seekers, I don't really like feeling this way. I feel like something completely obvious is missing in my life and I just can't figure out what it is. Maybe I'm not meant to. Such a shame if a feeling like this were to last long. It feels like that adolescent loneliness, when I was a child. I'd come home from that hell called high school and be all alone. I wonder what it's like to have brothers and sisters. Or better yet a mom or a dad. Or anyone, really. Such a concept is beyond foreign to me. I wonder why I was one of the unlucky ones. Minus the self-pity, I do ponder why I got the shit end of the stick sometimes.
It's weird not really having any family that I share a connectivity with. My mom's been gone 12 years now. It seems like just yesterday I could feel the wind in my hair driving in her 4-runner on a hot summer night, ordering pizza and laughing.

I try not to spend too much time missing the dead.
I've learned enough in my youth about dying...and death...and that inconceivable concept of "Never see them again" that others haven't had to face yet. What would missing them do? Would it bring them back? No. It's a sad reality that I've come to terms with. But I guess it would be nice to just have someone.

I guess it's almost fucked up to be talking like this, with a boyfriend of 8 years snoring besides me. I don't know. Maybe I need more love in my life or something. More things to smile about outside of friends. What's missing?

Like usual, I'll ignore that sunken empty feeling in the pit of my gut, swallow that lump in my throat, and forget about it. No use in such thoughts. They're a waste of space, really.

Blazer Show is awesome. It's been one of the few things making me want to wake up in the morning.
Everyday I visualize when it's all said and done. I see after parties, and the studio where I'll work. I'd drive a nice car and always have my nails done. Feels good to think of nice things. To think of having good things. Lot's of money. I'd get to work with my best friends all the time and make amazing shit being creative in my own way. Someday :) I feel it...

Finals are through now other than the tests next week. I feel like shit about this quarter because I had 2 professors totally confused about shit. I hate that. I hope I get A's anyway.

This weekend I'll probably be linking up with Gee via skype, talking about the show. Last Sunday, Elaine and Dmitry were awesome enough to let me tag along to visit Gee. I'm not gonna lie, there was something so distant and calming about where he lives. You can see a lot more stars there and joy rides are great. We drove for what seemed to be almost an hour. Noel, Elaine, Dmitry in the back, me shot gunnin' with my homie Gee. Man...where were these amazing people during my childhood? The memories we all would have made. Well, we've got plenty of time for more memories to come.

I look forward to spring break. The temperature is starting to break, and all is warming up. The moon is going to be particularly close to Earth tomorrow night, full too. Can't wait. It's slowly turning into blunt and back deck weather. Gonna be rad.

Well, I've spilled out enough for one night. I feel a little better. I guess all of us have spurts of loneliness once in a while. It's all the amazing memories and people in my life that really keep me going.

Good night all.
Happy Spring.